Sep. 29th, 2008 02:45 am
nilhlokeiel: (Default)
[personal profile] nilhlokeiel
I have been reading through some of the old entries on my other journal.
How could anyone possibly have read that crap? It was utter crap. I was selfish, foolish and living in my own head. No thought to those around me at all.

What has changed? I'm not sure. I just hope that I don't sound as winy and stupid as I used to. Sure, I have my fangirling posts and my silly posts. Why would I post about something that's really bothering me?

I believe that I can solve whatever problem I've got all by myself, that's why. While I'm standing on my own two feet, I feel that I can get through most lows. What's the point in sharing something serious or downright depressing if it'll pass in due time? If I'm in need of someone to talk to I've got my mother, my sister, my stepdad or my handful of friends that have told me time and time again that they're there if I need them.

Granted, I've lost touch with most of my friends. My own fault, admittedly. I'm piss-poor at keeping up with people. I lock myself away from the world and rarely open the door, and most of the time with good reason.

I'm the person I used to fear turning into. I've become cynical. An unsociable person.

There's that. I'd rather not get others involved in my woes. They are mine. I'll deal with them.

Imagine my surprise when one of my dearest friends asked why I came off so cold sometimes. I hadn't thought 'cold' was a word to describe what I'm like, but there you go. I'm cold. I'm that person who joins to sit on the sidelines and take it all in.

Sometimes all I do is sit here and glare at wordperfect, trying to write more on a bit of fiction that my friend and I are working on. Or, were working on. I hit a wall and I can't find so much as a peep-hole to see the other side.

I'll be posting this in my other journal, so if you see this post twice under two different names... that's not really very hard to put together.

And no. Nobody can always be happy and cheerful. But if it doesn't involve something happy or cheerful, you'll know where to find me. Over here in my head. With my fog and my monsters.


nilhlokeiel: (Default)

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